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| Me & My Beautiful Daughter Nicole - 2010 |
Most of us have had moments of not feeling attractive. I have personally felt that way many times because I would compare myself to other people. For a long time I would judge myself by what other people said about me. For many years I allowed ex-boyfriends to put me down and that was the end of my self-esteem. The bad things are always easier to believe. So I went though my life believing other peoples opinions of me and never feeling good enough. So exhausting and such a waste of time!
It's so ironic that after my youth was gone I finally learned how to feel beautiful. Three children later, stretch marks, scars, wrinkles, gray hair, and I feel beautiful! I learned to do the best with what I have on the outside, but it was my inner healing that made all the difference. The more that I started to focus on the beauty inside of me, the more beautiful I felt. When you feel beautiful inside your heart, you feel beautiful physically. People see you differently. They see your inner beauty shining though your eyes and your smile. You carry an aura of beauty all around you and no one notices your physical flaws.
I still remember the day I was at the beach with my daughter Nicole, now almost 23, and a few of her friends. I was feeling pretty insecure laying next to their flawless 19 year old bodies. Then Nicole looked over at me and said, "Mom you're such a hottie"! That was the beginning of me learning to love myself. It wasn't only my beautiful daughter telling me that I was beautiful; it was a rush of feeling beautiful as a person for creating such a beautiful child. It was knowing that she was looking at my inner beauty because she loves me. She has seen me at my absolute worst and she still thinks I am beautiful. The best makeover you can give yourself is to truly love yourself and show love and kindness to everyone around you. Now that's beautiful...
How to Feel More Attractive
Think of professional beauties as aesthetic marvels (and genetic accidents). Don't compare yourself with them. Besides, those whose looks you covet are busy rating themselves against someone even more gorgeous. "I never thought of myself as beautiful," insists Carol Alt, the 1980s supermodel. "There were these girls who would walk into the room and just take over. Nicolette Sheridan in the 1980s—oh my God, forget it."
2. Reflect on Your Relationships
"It is part of the human condition to see ourselves through the eyes of others," says Ellen McGrath, clinical psychologist and president of The Bridge Coaching Institute. Partners have a big impact on how we view our looks. If we get a steady dose of fondness and acceptance, "it's like being in the glow of a romantic candlelit dinner—we are seen in the best possible light," says McGrath. Being close to a judgmental person makes us view ourselves in correspondingly harsh terms. If you've come to believe that you're unattractive, consider whether your partner may have subtly steered your thoughts in that direction.
3. It's Not About You!
Shy people consistently rate themselves as less attractive than others do. "When you focus on yourself, you become more self-critical," says Bernie Carducci, professor of psychology at Indiana University Southeast. If you force yourself to approach others and make them feel wanted, your own insecurities diminish. "Show up at a party with a group of friends and you'll automatically appear more attractive," says Carducci. "It's social capital—it suggests that you know how to lead others and bring them together."
4. You're Instrumental Is your body a static object to be gazed upon or a performing machine? While women tend to think about how their bodies look, men often focus on how well they work, says Stephen Franzoi, psychology professor at Marquette University. "If you think of your body as an instrument, you'll see it as something that you can shape and transform," he says. "This proactive stance shifts the locus of power to you, rather than to other people observing and evaluating your body."
5. Get an Inner Makeover
Watch for negative self-talk. "Replace critical thoughts, such as 'my disgusting, fat thighs,' with something more neutral, such as 'my large, muscular legs,'" suggests James Rosen, emeritus professor of psychology at the University of Vermont. Give more airtime to other aspects of your self-image. "Consciously think of why you are desirable to other people—perhaps because they respect your competence or because you are warm and interesting. In the long run, these characteristics are more important to attraction than physical looks."
6. Be a Singular Sensation
Carducci, a social dynamo who works to overcome his shy temperament, strives to be not only the nicest guy in the room, but also the best-dressed. "My look is part GQ, part discount. One of my favorite outfits is a yellow cotton shirt, a red tie with geometric shapes, tuxedo pumps and a checkered herringbone coat. I'm trying to let people know, 'I'm here and let's have a good time.' When you're in clothes that reflect who you are, you make it easier for others to talk to you—and it's not how beautiful you are, but how approachable you are."
7. Get Older, Feel Better
We dread getting older, but there is evidence that people feel more attractive with age. "Older women tend to shed their self-consciousness," says Leslie Goldman, author of Locker Room Diaries, an account of her yearlong ethnographic study of women at the gym. "I have never seen a woman over the age of 60 scurry off into a bathroom stall to change or quickly scan the room before dropping her towel."
8. Beauty Is No Panacea
On average, attractive people are not happier than their homelier peers. A sense of optimism and hope, gratifying relationships and meaning and purpose in your life have much more influence on your happiness than do your looks. "Don't get me wrong—there are times when I've gotten special treatment because of my celebrity," says Alt. "But I've had my share of heartbreak. I'm divorced. I lost my father and my brother. I don't think the fates decide what will happen to you based on your looks."
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